WHAT IS FRIENDSHIP ?

WHAT IS FRIENDSHIP

Friendship is a common word, it’s known and it’s used every day, by everybody, though in different ways. Friendship is a word we use everyday in showing and expressing relationships between us or between people. Friendship can be defined in so many various ways: and here are some common definitions for what friendship means:-

Someone can say;

·        Friendship is a good relationship or/and close relationship, between two or more people.

·        Friendship is a sharing of one’s life with another or other people/beings, in various aspects of our everyday life; such as interests and hobbies, the pleasures and pains of life, etc.

·        Friendship is a relationship of one’s own choice, of whom to be related to and how to be related to from the bases of appreciation and satisfaction of one own heart’s desires.

·        Friendship is a agreement to a commitment of one’s life to the other, on the basis of hearts desires, choice and satisfaction, for a particular purpose / direction.

In order to for a person to have good relationships, he/she needs to have a very good understanding of him or herself due to the fact that, a good relationship depends so much on how a person relates to him or her own self. Quoting the words of Christ the Lord Himself, from the book of Mathew, the Bible says;

Mat 22:36 

  ³⁶Master, which is the great commandment in the law? ³⁷Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. ³⁸This is the first and great commandment. ³⁹And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

It is not common or usual to find Christians, talking much about loving ‘yourself’; But to be honest, you cannot give what you don’t have! The Bible says “… but such as I have, give I thee ...” (Acts 3:6). This is just to show us, God expects you to invest in yourself  before you are able to give yourself to someone else. Remember that, Friendship is a decision or agreement someone makes, to commitment his or her life to another, on the basis of hearts desires, choice and satisfaction, for a particular purpose / direction.

Therefore, you cannot give into a commitment (friendship) that which you don’t have,; from the definition of Friendship as the sharing of one’s life with another or other people/beings, in various aspects of life; such as interests, hobbies, ambitions, desires, visions and dreams, plans and problems, expectations and surprises, believes and faith, discouragements and disappointments, pleasures and pains, etc; someone can not automatically be able to give into that relationship, which he/she does not have. So, with this concept, you need to really invest in yourself, so that when the right time comes, and the right person is revealed to you, then you may be able to give what is expected of you and also you may be able to be what is expected of you to be for the person and to that person. Now let’s start by ‘Getting to know yourself’

Getting to know ourselves.

Who are you?

It’s very important that every one of us may get to know the real himself or herself and also know how you relate to yourself. The Bible clearly shows us that, we as human beings, are tri-beings; meaning, we are three in one. Let me repeat what I said earlier, I said, In order to for a person to have good relationships, he/she needs to have a very good understanding of him or herself due to the fact that, a good relationship depends so much on how a person relates to him or herself. And with that, I can go on saying, you cannot perfectly relate to yourself, if you do not know yourself.

Therefore, there is a need of getting to know yourself; and the Bible clearly shows us that, we as human beings, we are tri-beings; meaning, we are three in one; that’s to say, you are a spirit, with a soul and a body. Now let’s read from the truth and see what the truth has to say about this;

And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  (1Thessalonians 5:23) 

Now let’s go way back to the beginning of everything, when the Lord God made and formed everything; the Bible say from the book of Genesis:

And God said; Let us make man, in our likeness ... And the LORD God formed man (bodily) of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life (spirit); and man became a living soul. (Genesis 1:26, Genesis  2:7)

Therefore, the Bible clearly shows us that, we as human beings, we are tri-beings; meaning, we are three in one; that’s to say, we are spirits, with souls and bodies. Now let’s read from the truth and see what the truth has to say about this; Now let try look on each one of these human part, a bit closely.

The Spirit.

This is the inner part of the human being; actually; the spirit is the real person of the human being. The spirit man is what actually makes up the person. For example, when someone says, my hand or my head, that person is trying to tell us, ‘I am not the hand, but the hand is mine’ or ‘I am not the head, but the head is mine’. The one who claims that the head is his/hers, that’s the real person of the human being; that’s the spirit man, talking within the body or from inside the body.

The Soul.

The soul is the part of man, is also known as the heart. The heart mentioned here is not that hard tissue of muscles pumping your blood around the body, from the left hand side of your chest, No! The heart or the soul here just refers to the centre of the human being. The soul is that part of man that enables him/her to relate; it is that part of a human, that enable a person to think, to feel and to decide. The soul is actually what makes a spirit being to become a person.

I will repeat myself; the soul is what actually makes you as a spirit man, become a person. This is to say, a spirit alone, is not a person. A person becomes a person, when his/her spirit being is installed with a soul; that part which enables the spirit to relate with feelings of emotions, with thoughts of the mind and with decisions from the will power, from within. With a form of simple mathematics, 

Spirit  +  Soul  =  A Person or Personality.

Therefore, The soul is not the you (as a spirit) exactly, but the soul is only what you have or what you posses, as a spirit being. The soul is what makes a person; The soul is your personality, that gives you (a spirit), the soul gives you Intellect, Emotion and Will;

·     Intellect/Mind  –   The ability to think,

·     Emotions               –   The ability to feel and

·     Will power        –   The ability to decide.    

The soul is not the you (spirit) exactly, but it’s what you have, as a spirit. That is why when people get broken hearted, you may hear one saying ‘Ooh! my heart is in pain’; meaning ‘he/she is not the heart, but the heart is his or hers; in other words, the heart is what belongs to him/her. So, the soul is not the you (spirit) exactly, but it’s what you have, as a spirit. Taking a example of King David who wrote the Psalms, the Bible says King avid was crying saying;

‘O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee ...’ (Psa 42:6). ‘Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.’  (Psa 42:11)

In the above scriptures, the Bible says, David (the spirit man) was not down, but his soul was so very down (at one time when he thought that, the Lord seemed to be far away from him). He cried to God and said, ‘O my God, my soul (and not I, but my soul) is cast down within me...’  And he went on crying by saying,  ‘O my soul, Why are you casted down like that? and why are you disappointed within me that much? Keep trust and hope unto thy God’. From the above scriptures, King David is teaching us how to differentiate and distinguish between him (the spirit) and his soul (the heart). Therefore, the soul is not the you (spirit) exactly, but it is just what you have or what you own, as a spirit being.

King David is one of the faith heroes who teach us how to differentiate between him (the spirit) and his soul (the heart). As I said earlier, the spirit of man, is that inner part of the human being; actually; the spirit is the real person of the human being. For example, just like what King David showed that, his heart was down and not him; therefore when I say, my feet are tired or my head aches or this is my head or this is my hand, or, it’s that I’m trying to tell you that,

‘I am not the hand, but the hand is mine’ or ‘I am not the head, but the head is mine’. Now, thi is to say that, the one who claims that the head belongs to him/her, or the hand belongs to him/her now that’s the real person of the human being, talking to you; that’s the spirit man, talking within the body or from inside the body. The spirit is the inner part of the human being; the spirit is the real person of the human being, residing within the body, and he (without gender/sex) he is the one who claims that the head and the hand belongs to him. (Note: the spirit does not have sex/gender)

The heart or the soul, is that part of man that enables him/her to relate; it is that part of a human, that enable a person to think, to feel and to decide. The soul is what actually makes you as a spirit man, become a person. This is to say, a spirit alone, is not a person. A person becomes a person, when his/her spirit being is installed with a soul; that part which enables the spirit to relate with feelings of emotions, with thoughts of the mind and with decisions from the will power, from within.

The Body.

The body is that external visible and tangible part of the human, that contains the person, inside. The body is that external part of you, that envelopes you as the person, who lives within. Just like a letter, it has the envelope on the outside and the written paper on the inside of the envelope; it is just like a computer, it has the hardware externally and the software installed internally, within the computer (The Operating System and the Computer Programs). Likewise, the body. It is the external visible and tangible part of the human, that contains the person, inside. The body is that external part of you, that contains you as the person within it. The body is your house; it is where you actually live! You as a spirit being, you have a house; you house is that body of yours; you do live in that body.

See what the Truth (Bible) has to say about this; it’s a scripture where Apostle Peter was giving his last words before his death came near to take him, he said:

2Pe 1:12 (King James Version)

¹²Wherefore I will not be negligent to put you always in remembrance of these things, though ye know them, and be established in the present truth. ¹³Yeah, I think it meet, as long as I am in this tabernacle, to stir you up by putting you in remembrance; ¹⁴Knowing that shortly I must put off this my tabernacle, even as our Lord Jesus Christ hath shewed me.

2Pe 1:12  (American Standard Version)

¹²Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have. ¹³I think it right, as long as I am in this body, to stir you up by way of reminder, ¹⁴ since I know that the putting off of my body will be soon, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me.

2Pe 1:12-14  (Good News Bible)

¹²And so I will always remind you of these matters, even though you already know them and are firmly grounded in the truth you have received. ¹³I think it only right for me to stir up your memory of these matters as long as I am still alive. ¹⁴I know that I shall soon put off this mortal body, as our Lord Jesus Christ plainly told me.

2 Peter 1:13-14  (Amplified Bible / Bible’s Amplifier)

¹³I think it right, to stir you up by way of remembrance, as long as I am in this tabernacle (tent, house, body), ¹⁴Since I know that the laying aside of this body (tent, house, body) of mine will come speedily, as our Lord Jesus Christ made clear to me.

As I said earlier, the spirit of man, is that inner part of the human being; actually; the spirit is the real person of the human being. That example was perfect; when someone says, my hand or my head, that person is trying to tell us, ‘I am not the hand, but the hand is mine’ or ‘I am not the head, but the head is mine’. The one who claims that the head is his/hers, that’s the real person of the human being; that’s the spirit man, talking within the body or from inside the body. The body is that external part of you, that contains you (spirit) within it. The body is your house; it is where you actually live! You as a spirit being, you have a house; you house is that body of yours; you do live in that body.

Who are you? Who are we? Who am I?

We as human beings, we are tri-beings; meaning, we are three in one; that’s to say, we are spirits, with souls and bodies. We as human beings, can be defined as follows;

Man is a spirit, with a soul, living within a body;   or

Man is a spirit, possessing a soul, and living in a body;   or

Man is a spirit, having a living soul, living within a body.

Function of the spirit

This is the inner part of the human being; actually; as I said earlier, the spirit is the real person of the human being. The spirit man is what actually makes up the person, within the body or from inside the body. The function of the spirit of man is1.           To relate with the spiritual world,

2.           To receive information from the physical world

3.           To lead into actions or respond due to the ignitions received.

The Function of the Soul

The heart or the soul, is that part of man that enables him/her to relate; it is that part of a human, that enable a person to think, to feel and to decide. The soul is what actually makes you as a spirit man, become a person. This is to say, a spirit alone, is not a person. A person becomes a person, when his/her spirit being is installed with a soul; that part which enables the spirit to

1.           To relate with feelings of emotions,

2.           To relate with thoughts of the mind and

3.        To relate with decisions from the will power, from within.

Therefore, as I said before, the soul was created by God, for the purpose of providing a link (bridge) between the human spirit and his body. The soul is what enables you to feel others and to feel other things which are around you. It is where the Emotions, the Mind and the Will-power exist. These gives the human being the ability to feel, think and decide. That’s the function of the soul. Without the soul, you cannot enjoy, love, hate, accept, appreciate, respond, etc. It is that part of man that enables him/her to relate to the outside world and feel others around you.

From the Mind/Intellectual Part of the Soul/Heart

Without the soul, you will not be able to think or analyze

Without the soul, you will not be able to reflect or prophlect

Without the soul, you will not be able to remember or meditate

Without the soul, you will not be able to comprehend or calculate

From the Emotion Part of the Soul/Heart

Without the soul, you will not be able to laugh or cry

Without the soul, you will not be able to enjoy or hate

Without the soul, you will not be able to love or be loved.

Without the soul, you will not be able to feel recognized or accepted

In other words, without the soul, you cannot enjoy the music you listen, the songs you sings, the movies you watch, the food you eat, the cool wind you breeze, the water you swim in, the car you drive, the games you play, etc. It is that part of man that enables him/her to relate to the outside world.

From the Will Part of the Soul

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose to rebel or obey

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose to go or to stay

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between left or right

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between this or that

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between there or here

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between now or later

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose to do it or not doing it

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between him or her

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between Peter or David

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between Mary or Esther

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between saying or not saying

Without the soul, you will not be able to decide or choose between accepting or rejecting

Therefore, as I said before, the soul was created by God, for the purpose of providing a link (bridge) between the human spirit and his body. The soul is what enables you to feel others and to feel other things which are around you. It is where the Emotions, the Mind and the Will-power exist. These gives the human being the ability to feel, think and decide. That’s the function of the soul. Without the soul, you cannot enjoy, love, hate, accept, appreciate, respond, etc. It is that part of man that enables him/her to relate to the outside world and feel others around you.

Taking care of yourself wholly (holistically)

Therefore, the Bible clearly shows us that, we as human beings, we are tri-beings; meaning, we are three in one; that’s to say, we are spirits, with souls and bodies.

WHY DO WE NEED FRIENDS?

1.    TO FILL AND EXPRESS THE HUMAN NEED OF LOVE AND CARE.

We as human beings, all have this sense and ambition of wanting to be loved and to show or send or express love others people or beings. This ambition or desire or need is a natural and God given desire, to receive and give love, care, recognition, attention, appreciation and sympathy.  We are also created with the ambition of giving love to others. This need and ambition is the ability of the human soul, within us (every one of us) as part of our being.

Psychologists tell us that, infants (babies) can either grow weak and unbalanced physically and mentally, if they won’t receive enough love. Babies as human beings, even if they get good nutrition, still need love, care, attention, appreciation, touch, sweet words, etc. Not food alone, because man is not just a body. Man is a spiritual being with a soul, living in a body.

During the second world war, in  German, it was reported that, in a certain hospital some infants (babies) died and others grew so weak, just because their  mothers died in the war, and the hospital had no enough nurses to take care, of them as mothers do, though they had proper nutrition, medication and room temperature.  But one certain baby, who was always in the hands of one nurse, receiving love, sweet words, warm soft touches, he grew very beautifully strong and healthy.

We all have this space/hole in our hearts, of wanting to be filled with love, care and attention from someone. It’s Godly and it’s natural. And that’s why God has given us friends, so that through good friendship, the people we relate to can provide all that which feeds our souls and make us mentally and physically well. We need friends to fill and express the human need of Love and care.  

2.     TO FILL THE HUMAN NEED OF SOCIAL INTERACTION.

We are not just physical and spiritual beings, but we are also, social beings.  As we grow up, we develop the need and desire interaction, association and cooperation with other beings.  Not just human beings, but all good and attractive beings like animals such as pets and plants like flowers. Everyone has the need and desire to get together with other, to have people to talk to, listen to, share life with, relax with, and people to have fun with, to enjoy life and have recreation.  We all need people to talk with, to walk with, to work with, to worship with, to live with. 

Imagine a life, from morning to morning, twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, for several months, or years, who does not interact with anybody, who does not talk to anyone, even a tree or a bird, imagine! I believe this guy won’t be normal mentally even physically! I think, if you won’t get people to talk with, and share life, I think… you may stiffen like a piece of dry wood! (Joke). Psychologists tell us that, such people will not grow up with a well balanced mental and emotional life.  Their psychological ability will obviously have defects.  Their characters and attitudes will surely be strange. We are not to eat, work, study and worship only, we have to balance life with recreation, enjoyment, relation, having fun, with people we like/love.  That’s why we need friends.

3.     TO KNOW AND UNDERSTAND OURSELVES AND OTHERS.

Friendship and togetherness gives us the opportunity to know others people and their characters, behaviors and attitudes.  That knowledge helps us to choose friends to relate to more closely. Friendship gives us the chance to know ourselves.  You can’t identify the value something, if you can’t compare. To compare one needs other things of the same type or people (to be specific).  There are things, attitudes and desires in us, which we can’t identify them (know them) without the pull from the people we meet/interact with. Interaction has the ability to pull some things from within us. As you share your life with other people, as you meet people of different kind, you will start to realize that “wow I like this”  or “I don’t like that”. Soon or later you will start to discover that “I don’t like this habit” or “I like this style” etc.  

Such will only be possible if you interact with people in the friendship game (way of life). Some likes and dislikes weakness and strength, desires and hates, which are in us, will never emerge out of us and be known, if we don’t interact. If you consider yourself an educated person, you may not know the strength or the weakness of what you know until you meet other learned fellows. If you count yourself as a great singer, musician, painter, etc you will not actually know the truth till you meet other fellow artists.

If you are a boy/male, you may not perfectly know the level of your strength or weakness till you hang alone with other boys/men. It’s the same with girls. Another aspect of life which has a great ability to pull the real personality of someone is the encounter with the opposite sex.  We are sexual beings. And sexuality has the power to identify and distinguish personalities, characters, behaviors, attitudes and conducts. The point still is, friendship has the power to make us know ourselves, the real us. So, friends help us to know ourselves and to know each other.

        

4.       FOR PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

When you know yourself and get challenged with a certain personality, character, ability or achievement of a friend, it is easy to set the desire for change and develop a better personality, characters, ability or achievement. When you find out an unattractive or an unpleasing habit or attitude, level or achievement, you are able to make up your mind not to end-up in such a place/level. So, you can see how friendship has help develop ones personality.

But also, when friends discover a bad behavior or unsatisfying thing in you, they can help you change and become a better person. Good friends challenge our lives and our lifestyles. Good friends help us to live a clean life, I mean not just in attitude wise or intellectually, but also physically in areas such as health wise, tidiness, in body, clothing, surrounding, etc.  Friends help us change character, attitudes, and develop better personality.  That why we need friends.

5.       FOR HELP AND SUPPOR     *Eccl 4:9-10

Life is full of pleasure and pain as well. We don’t like bad things, but we face these things in the everyday now and the life. Everyday we fight and resist unwanted things in life such as poverty, lack, hurting, failure, brokenness, hardship, pain, sickness, accidents, death, etc.  Jesus said in John 16:33 that In the world you shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer (in heart), (for) I have overcome the world. These things I have spoken that you may have peace (paraphrased). Also it’s written in Psalms 34:19 and 17 that; Many are the afflictions (troubles) of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. For they cry out and the Lord hears and delivers them out of their troubles. (paraphrased).

During hard times, discouragement, frustration, fear, worries, lack, failures, pain, tears, funerals, broken hearts, etc, friends are one of the best support and hope we may such hard times. Good friends may sometimes be used by God as the best medication to our lives when passing through ‘the valleys’ of life.  Imagine yourself going through a funeral or frustration or pain and discouragement without someone you love, to hold your hand and give you shoulder to cry on.  We need friends. * Read John 11: 1-7, 17-23 and see how Jesus was a good friend to Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha.

But also, during good times and high times of joy and celebration, friends are the best decorations.  Imagine having your birthday, your graduation or your marriage, without a single friend to be with you! I‘m telling you, you may find yourself going out to pick any body around, to give you company. Read it in Luke 14:15-24.  Friends decorate our good times and make us feel valuable, feel special, feel good and feel high even if you might be poor. That’s why we need friends and that’s why we have friends. Friends are for help and for support.

6.         FOR SPIRITUAL GROWTH

Friends are there to help us grow spiritually and know God more closely.  The bible says we can not be effective in sharing life and faith, if we do not grow spiritually in knowing God more. It’s written in Philemon 1:6 that the communication of our faith, may become effectual, by getting to know (acknowledging) of every good thing which is in us in Christ Jesus.

To inherit God’s blessings in life requires spiritual growth (Gal 3:13-14, 29; Gal 4:1) and to overcome the world, sin and the devil requires spiritual maturity. And spiritual growth requires a disciplined life of bible studying, prayer, worship, and fellowship with other believers, etc. (Gal 5:16-23; Efe 4:11-14; Efe 6:12-13, 10-11).

We need friends to study Gods word with, to pray with, to worship with to serve god with, etc.  Friends are people to help us not to do some things which don’t please god and people.  (Even with rebukes).  Friends are there to help us do what we are supposed to do. To do good things. The bible says in 1Cor 15:33 that Do not be deceived, evil (bad) company corrupts good behavior (paraphrased). That is why the bible says that we should hold company with those who live with good (pure) hearts conducts. It says; flee from youthful lusts; and follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that love the Lord with a pure heart (2Tim 2:22).  

Friends, who draw us away from godly spiritual values, are never good friends.  If your friends are not helping you spiritually, then he/she is destroying your relationship with God, Even if he/she is not telling you to do bad things, but the state of leaving your situation, is a process of destroying you.  We are to make friends who help us to grow in the grace of Salvation and in knowing God more, through Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour (2 Pet 3:18)

7.         TO FIND A MARRIAGE PARTNER  *Gen 2:8, 18

People get their life partners in many ways.  Some get visions and dreams.  So get Prophecies and some here God’s voice clearly.  But these are very special ways for someone to receive direction on who to marry.  Not every one of us will here God’s voice in this way saying like the way Joseph did as he heard from God “Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife” (Math 1:20)

In normal/general situations, people find their marriage partners, among their friends and among the people they meet. A wife or husband is supposed to be your best friend and partner in every aspect of life. Infact, perfect marriage partners are the ones who came united out of a close friendship. Best friends who know each other closely, have a big chance of  having the best marriage couple. I can say that, most marriage problems emerge from not being fully acquainted with your partner’s attitude and characters. Many young men and women, boys and girls, get confused and frustrated, when it comes to the issue of deciding who to marry, though they have been taught and they have prayed a lot.  The knowledge about the person helps much in making decision and taking direction.  Friendship helps us to know good people and get good life partners.

So, friendship helps us interact with people, get to know people, develop interest on certain people and eventually start marriage procedures. Make more friends, godly friends, and it may be easier and of less confusion when the time comes for you to make the second most important decision: “who do you want to spend the rest of your life on earth with?”  It is the second most important decision, a person can make after deciding”  “where are you going to spend the rest of your life after earth/death” New Jehanum or New Jerusalem?  This is the first most important decision one is to make.  Then comes the decision about marriage.

TYPES OF FRIENDS

1.    PEER FRIENDS  (Marafiki wa mbali)

There are just normal people whom we have been meeting frequently in our everyday lives and we have good relations with them.  Peer friends are the ones we share common places and common interests together meaning; we share:

·        Same school                    or     Same class

·        Same job                or     Same restaurant

·        Same neighborhood        or         Same street

·        Same playing ground      or       Same club

They are not actually real friends, we don’t trust them yet, but the act of meeting frequently, makes us “just peer friends”   There is no personal sharing of feelings, ideas, plans, etc.  It is just greetings and normal talks.   A peer friend can not know what dream you had last night, or that you had a misunderstanding with your parents.  These are too personal things to share with “just a peer friend”. They are very normal people.  Some of them, you haven’t even talked too even once; you just greet each other simply.  But peer friendship can be the beginning of a good serious relationship. It can be the beginning of drawing to each other and start talking and sharing.

2.    CASUAL FRIENDS  (Marafiki wa kawaida)

Casual friends are also called ‘Just good friends’. There are not necessarily people we share common places, but among the peer group of friends, they are the ones we normally like to be with always, and do some things together.  So, we select casual friends among peer friends.  You may not live or work in the same street or town, but you are interested in each other that you always travel to visit each other or plan to meet or gather together at some place just to be in the company of each other or communicate through long distance. Casual friends are people we like being together with, we always like to hang around with, because we share some common things in life. Casual friends are people we find ourselves drawn to, because we have a feeling of being people of the same type/kind.

Example:-  In a new school or a class or a youth camp, before we know each other well, we are all usually the one same group.  But after some time, say a week, or two, or a month, slowly you’ll see groups of the same, starting to form. Casual friends will have already identified themselves. You will see groups of people already formed. You’ll see groups of youth who like eating together, who like going to places together (eg. To the dinning hall, to the shop, to town, etc). You’ll see groups of people who like visiting each other in their rooms/houses, who like to spend time together, and share their interests and hobbies together.  The “Likeness” between them, has drawn them together. We normally call such friends “my company” or “his company” or “her company”.

Let me also not forget to say that, casual friendship is not necessarily a friendship of the same gender or same sex only.  No! A casual friend can be of the opposite sex too. Jesus has Lazarus, Mary and Martha as his friends! It’s fine and OK to have casual friends of the opposite sex.  Infact, it is psychologically, socially and spiritually healthy to have friends of the opposite sex, if you are perfectly and correctly taught the word of God and you understand the will of God and the plan of God concerning friendship. I will talk about this more at the end of this topic, because I know it is not very common idea to the African culture and the doctrines of some of our churches. So, hold your breath!

3.        CLOSE FRIENDS. (Marafiki wa karibu)

Close friends are also called ‘best friends’. Among the many casual friends one may have, there are few who come out to be very close friends to you. These are the ones who come to be people you really trust on them. Close or Best friends are normally very few, not many. Such friends are the ones King Solomon taught about in his book of wisdom saying The person who makes for himself many friends, is for his own destruction; But there is a friend who sticks more than a brother (paraphrased) Proverbs 18:24. Notice, he said it is dangerous to have too many (close) friends because are not supposed to be many like six or ten! No! they have to be few, very few.

Its OK even to have only one very close friend (Best friend).It fine. But also you may have two or three close friends …or even five, at most! Jesus had only three! Peter, James and John! I believe that the rest of the disciples were in the level of casual together with Lazarus, Mary and Martha. Because a close friend (best friend) has to know your heart and your secrets, they have to know your dreams and your plans, your fears and your worries, your strength and your weakness. Close friends know you inside out. Close friends know you to the level which even your own parents or relatives do not know you. So, for that reason, having eight or ten best friends, it will be dangerous. It will destroy you. King Solomon says, it will be for your own destruction  (Prov 18:24). In other words, if you love yourself, do not trust too many people with your heart! Make such friends as few as possible.

King Solomon says, “…but there is a friend, who sticks to you close than a brother (relative)” (Prov 18:24). Notice the singular form used there. So, that’s an indication that, close friends are to be few if not one. Look at Jesus, our example; He had only three close (best friends). Though He had so many people around Him, who really wanted to be his friends (Math 10:1-8, Luke 6:12-13,14-17; Luke 10:1,17-20), but Jesus knew how to draw lines. He knew how to cut down classes of people whom He allowed to come near Him. He had only three; Peter, James and John. He walked, talked and ate with all the twelve or the seventy, but ‘the three’ best friends of Jesus, had the privilege of knowing secrets of Christ’s’ heart (Math 17:1-9). One may be wondering, how does this type of friendship starts? Well, we gonna deal with that later, on how friendship starts.

4.        INTIMATE FRIENDS. (Marafiki wa moyoni)

An Intimate friend is as the word explains, ‘intimate!’ These are the people we normally choose among the few close friends. An intimate friend is an opposite sex/gender friend, who has totally caught the attention of your heart in a special way, I mean in a unique way which it can not simply be described by words. An intimate friend is the one you feel very attracted to him/her because you love him/her. There is attraction and passion between you. In simple or common words, we say; is the person you have ‘fallen in love’ with.

·        You admire him/her and you appreciate him/her in every/most aspects of his/her life and conduct.

·        You admire his/her character and attitudes, you admire his/her physical appearance (the figure, the color, facial appearance, etc), and You admire his /her responses and reactions to various situations and circumstances.

·        You love he way he/she speaks, the way he/she smiles, the way he/she eats, the way he/she walks, the way he/she conduct his/her life in general. And also

An intimate friend is a friend whom has won your trust, and you have won his/her trust. You share and hold the deepest feelings and secrets of your hearts. He/she occupies your mind and heart.  Is a friend you always want to be together with and share every good thing you do or experience. When away from him/her, you happen to miss his/her presence very much as it creates a gap in your life. An intimate friend, you always want to communicate with him/her to hear the voice of the one you love, and to know what he/she is going through. You will even incur expenses just to hear from him/her. You will do anything and everything to get in touch and to know how your friend and ‘lover’ is doing. If you are really in love with him/her, distance and business is never an excuse!

Types or Stages of Intimate friends/relationships.

Intimate friendships/relationships are of three (3) major kinds or stages;

i)         Boyfriend/Girlfriend.

This first type or stage of intimate friendship has not been common and was not practiced in the former or previous generations of our African society, in tradition and even in the Christian community (doctrine). But intimacy between two people normally starts with one person feeling that special attention and attraction towards the other person before any decision to take serious or official procedures towards marriage. At first the two friends may have been casual or close friends for some time. In some cases, the two people may have not even been casual/close friends, but one of them has just noticed the other sex by sight and conduct for some time and has felt/got that special feeling and attraction towards the other friend.

Now, before official steps have been taken, when these two ‘friends’ communicate their feelings and if they agree to accommodate each other in their hearts as ‘special friends’ for the purpose of building a serious future permanent relationship (marriage),  then the girl will be to the boy, his ‘girlfriend’ and the boy will be to the girl, her ‘boyfriend’. At this stage the two have taken a special position in each one’s heart, but nothing official has taken place in their relationship. Note: the word agree should mean the two ‘friends’ have let each other know the feelings existing in their hearts by words and just circumstantial (just by their acts). That means they have talked and expressed their feeling openly and have agreed to that truth!

We usually say that the two are in love with each other. Then the two intimate friends can take a while to intimately know each other deeper on inner attitudes and characters which can not easily be known or seen in the early stages of friendships. This should take months of being close in company, and not just weeks or days. The time should be spent in walking together, doing some things together such as shopping, working, studying, watching TV, listening to music as a way of resting or relaxing after work, doing charity work, visiting people, friends or relatives, going to cinemas.

The ‘two’ can and should also spend time praying together, studying the Bible, go to Christian gatherings, fellowships, worship services, gospel concerts, etc, things which will help them reveal one’s inner personality. This is what the modern world of today sometimes calls ‘dating’. These activities may also be best done in a group company of other friends. This is a special time needed for the two to learn more about each other and personally get familiar, aware and acquainted about each other’s life, personality, background, future plans and expectations.

This special moment should help them know each other in a closer way. It will reveal only a part of the hidden person in your friend which you did not know about. Therefore; at this time the ‘lovers’ should work on their relationship and start to adjust one’s personality, attitudes, behaviors, knowledge, expectations, believes, reactions, decisions, duties, responsibilities, dreams and plans to fit into their lifetime commitment which they are about to make. When each part is comfortable and knows beyond doughty that he/she is ready for the next step, then official steps and procedures should begin to shoot the relationship from this stage into the second stage, courtship.

Some communities and churches do not have and do not allow ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ type of relationship/friendship to their youth. It is their custom or doctrine (belief), as it is not openly written or seen in the Bible. I do not want to judge them about this. I respect their decision and belief. But we all know that the Bible was written under the Jewish custom and traditions. So, personally I believe that, not all Jewish traditions and norms are to be Christian doctrines. And sometimes its not easy to separate the Jewish customs and Biblical doctrine, but we have to. We are to follow God’s word and obey God’s commands in our lives and traditions as God Himself is the creator of all nations and people. He is the creator of every tribe, every language and every color, therefore the author of all good customs and norms in people. (Acts 17:24-28; Rev 5:9-10)

These communities and churches believe that when a young man/woman gets feelings of attraction towards an opposite sex or to be specific, when one ‘knows’ or thinks that a certain person is ‘special’ to him/her as a life mate, then he/she should communicate with the elder for official procedures to start. No communication between the two ‘friends’ is allowed. The elders will communicate with the other sex (normally the girl/female) about the ‘proposal’ of the first part (normally the boy/male). If the second part agrees with the ‘proposal’ then the elders will set the right environment for the ‘two’ to officialize their relationship. And when the relationship starts, it begins with the courtship stage/king of relationship.

 

ii)        Fiancé/Fiancée.

Another type of intimate friendship is that which has gone through the dating experience and now the friends have introduced their relationship to their parents/families. To some it also has to be officially introduced to their church administrations and congregation as well. But when the matter has been recognized and accepted to both parents/families as an official relationship for the life time future commitment, the friendship has entered the courtship stage and the friend is now called or known as a Fiancé for the man and Fiancée for the woman. Courtship is a special kind of intimate relationship where the two ‘lovers’ wait for their marriage to take place, that big day when they are going to be exchanging their vows to each other, in the presence of many witnesses.

Courtship is a sacred / holy commitment, if done in the Christian perspective. A fiancé is a husband to be. A fiancée is a wife to be. Courtship is not a stage of friendship where the two are checking if they belong to each other. It is not a stage of getting to know each other and see if you fit to be married couples. No! This is an already decided commitment for the future permanent relationship. It is holy. It is official. No trying to see if!

When you make this decision, make sure you have seen already. You were supposed to ‘see if’ you are compatible or if you belong to each other, in the stage of close friendship, not in courtship. A lot of relationships break at this stage for many reasons. Some are genuine reasons but some are not. Some are due to not recognizing the importance of having the ‘just-good-friends’, where the youth really get to know each other in person. And this is where the churches and the families make grand mistakes, by being too strict and conservative about their youth. Though the purpose is good but on the other side, the destruction is also big. I will emphasize this later.

iii)      Husband/Wife.

The last type/stage of intimate friendship is when courtship comes to an end the two become one (Mathew 19:5). Now the boy/man who was the fiancé becomes the husband and the girl/woman who was the fiancée becomes the wife. This is the end of the journey of the two fiends. There is no more stage to go. All they have to do is to keep growing in their oneness and run their lives together till death separates them. Though there is no other type/stage of intimate friendship but marriage are also meant to grow deep and deeper into knowing each other. Married friends can know each other more and more even for decades of their lives together.

SOME IMPORTANT TIPS FOR INTIMATE FRIENDSHIP AND RELATIONSHIPS

One heart for one and the only

 An intimate friendship is as the first word explains ‘an intimate friend’ is only one meant by God to occupy your heart. (I wish I could write this in red bolded ink). Jamani eeh! Vijana! (Hey youth!) Listen. You can not have two or three or more intimate friends at the same time! No! Never! That’s immoral! That is Lust and that is unfaithfulness! You can not divide your heart to two or three people at the same time. That’s not intimacy, that’s fornication and immorality! That’s lust! It is sin to do that! An intimate friend is supposed to be only one in your heart! (Mathew 19:3-5). That’s how God designed and created the family system. And God’s word is final. One heart for only one person. Period!

Not for homosexuals or lesbianism

Another strict emphasis (I wish I could also make this in red), An intimate friend must be of your opposite sex! Do not have an intimate friend of the same sex with you. That is also immoral and it is sin. It can lead to or it is homosexuality (for males) and lesbianism (for females). Homosexuality and lesbianism is sin to God! Do not do that! I had to emphasize on this perfectly as the world today has gone over the lines and standards set by God our creator and author of friendship and relationships. People have refused to keep in mind the true knowledge about God. They are corrupted in their minds that they do things that they should not do. They are filled with all kinds of wickedness and evil …

The Bible continues saying in the book of Romans that even the women pervert the natural use of their sex by unnatural acts (lesbianism).In the same way, men give up natural sexual relations with women and burn with passion for each other (men to men commonly known as homosexuality)…Men do shameful things with each other, and as a result they bring upon themselves the punishment they deserve for their wrong doing. (Rom 1:28,26-27 Emphasis added) Therefore, we as Christians should not be taken in the filthiness of the world in our relationships. We are to relate in accordance with the word of God and the commandments of God. The word of God is final! No suggestions neither opinions. Intimate relationships were made for opposite sex and not for the same sex. Period!

How friendship starts.

This normally begins by having special admiration, appreciation, interests and trust on some of among your casual friends. Frankly, there is no formula. But it just happens that you find yourself drawing close to one or few of your casual friends, in a special way. You happen to draw closer to each other than the other casual friends in your circle. True friendship does not start by asking someone to be a friend. A true friendship among people, just finds its way between the two of them, or the three or five. It just happens due to some circumstances which you did not ‘force’ to happen.

Sometimes, you can just try to make it happen and it works. But if it doesn’t work, be honest to yourself that he/she is not meant to be your best friend. Don’t force friendship. If you have tried to make it happen and even prayed about it, but still you don’t see the connections between you two or three or five together, then just let it go. Otherwise you’ll end up quarrelling and frustrating. Just pray that God may give bring to you the true friends He has purposed and designed for you. There you will find real joy and satisfaction of friendship.  

For an intimate relationships. Intimacy can/may happen from among your close friends. It can happen that, only one gets your attention than the rest of the other friends. He/she may happen to attract you in a different way. You will find yourself that you admire and like him/her in every aspect of his/her life. You tend to feel that you belong to her/him. But for an intimate friendship to start, it has to happen the same to him/her about you.

HOW TO BEGIN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP.

I personally believe that, good relationships are built on the foundation of the understanding of the Love, right definition of the word Love. Before we go further, lets define this very common but misunderstood word ‘love’. We hear this word ‘love’ everyday so many times and in so many ways? So, how to you understand the word Love? What comes in your mind so quickly when you hear the word love? What is love? If we are to understand the basics and facts about building good relationships, then first, its very important for us to get this truth straightened up correctly about the meaning of Love.

Meaning of Love

Love is the desire or passion to please (give happiness) and benefit the loved one at the expense of the self of the lover. But most of the people who claim to be ‘in love’ have an opposite passion burning in them; most are ‘in love’ to receive from the loved one instead of to give to the loved one. When one is there to receive pleasure and benefits for his/her-self at the expense of the loved one, it is simply called Lust and not Love. Real love believes that giving is the seed of receiving; in other words, receiving is the fruit of giving. But lust believes the opposite of that. In short, love is sacrificial; Love sacrifices one’s self to live for the benefit of the other person and make the other person happy.

The difference between Love and Lust

Lust wants to receive from the other first while Love wants to give the other first.

Lust thinks of one’s self first while Love thinks of the other person first.

Lust dies very quickly while Love lasts, never dies.

How to begin a friendship relationship

The best way and the more appropriate way is to let it happen. Not trying to make it happen. Intimacy is more real when it finds its way in the hearts of the two ‘friends’. When a man admires a girl, or a girl sees a man and feels attracted to, that shouldn’t be a ticket to go start it. This is because; sometimes our bodies go through normal harmonic development periods. In those moments, it may be very easy to feel an attraction to a certain opposite sex friend or person.

These are normal biological complications which take place in our bodies periodically. So, feeling an attraction or admiration to a certain person should not guarantee that what you have in you towards that person is ‘love’. It may not be! In such times and experiences, one should try to ignore the feeling and take it easy.

Emotions and Lust die quickly

Such ‘temporary fires’ usually die very quickly if they lack fuel/wood. So, in order to prove if what you are going through is real love or not, take it easy. Give it time. Try to ignore it. Just maintain just a normal friendship. The bible says “where there is no fuel (wood), the fire dies…” Proverbs 26:20. So, stop feeding it. Then you will discover the truth. If it dies after a time, then you know it was fake, not real. Your feeling could have led you into a wrong way. And such relationships get people into very big problems. Disappointments do happen in every relationship.

But such relationships which began by wrong (fake) feelings are accompanied with disappointments and frustrations which are beyond normal. The experience has more pain than pleasure because it was not real love; maybe I should say it was not love at all. Maybe it was just emotions or lust. It is simple to know that you took a wrong path. That’s why the bible says the heart is very deceiving (Jeremiah 17:9). Therefore everyone should be very careful to check and double check the leading of his heart.

But Love is very strong.

The truth is; real love can not be quenched. Real love is very very strong; the bible says Love is stronger as death! (Songs 8:6) Even if one may try ignoring it, it will find its way back o the heart. Love can not be quenched the bible says; even by floods of many waters (Songs 8:7). Even long distance can not stop love from springing out of ones heart. Words of disappointment form friend or the person him/herself can not quench real love. Love is very very strong.

Pray and make up your mind.

When you have ‘special feelings’ about a person of the opposite sex, I suggest that you pray about it before taking any step to ‘specialize’ the friendship. Take enough time to digest your thoughts prayerfully about the person you think you are in love with. It can take weeks or even months. That’s OK. Just make sure you search your heart perfectly towards that person. Make sure you are being honest to yourself. If and only if you’ve made up your mind and you have the peace of God from with in you, you can now try to find a way of ‘sending the message’ to her or to him. When you get the opportunity, weather by chance or by proper plans such as an appointment, express your idea in a simple and clear way. But avoid those ‘spiritual jargons’ such as “Thou saith the Lord of the hosts of heaven, you are the mother of my seven children”. No! Avoid those.

Listen, even if you have signs from the Lord and all the assurance, just use the simplest language you can. Don’t try to help God. With simplicity and honesty say something like this; “I have thought and prayed about this for some time, and this is what I feel in my heart, that I love you and I wish to get to know you better in a special way. If it finds fovour in you heart as well, I’d love to start a serious relationship with you, for the future”. Yeah! Something like that is simple and clear. 

The signs or the assurance the Lord gave you (if He has) will then be proven by the answer you will receive from her or him. The best and final sign of all is the peace of God that surpasses all understanding; it will fill your hearts and mind and guide you through every decision you make. “And let the peace of God rule in your hearts …the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds …for ye shall go out with joy and be led with peace…” (Cols 3:15; Philp 4:7; Isa 55:12)

After the message has been sent a delivered, give her/him time (if she/he needs it, because some people don’t need time to think as they already have the answers, either a Yes or a good No!) and for an intimate friendship to start, the person you approached must respond positively with a Yes, to your request/proposal. It can be an immediate response if she/he already worked on the idea even before you came to ‘sing’ the ‘song of songs’ or it can be a response after some time of prayer and thoughtfulness. But in short, he/she must also feel to love you and to belong to you. Then the agreement is made between the two, by prayer, to preliminary start the intimacy between them.

Love has to be both sides. If the other person does not get the feeling you have, just pray about it but don’t force. You don’t have to help God to win her heart for you. If she/he belongs to you, God will make her/him also get what you feel, even if not now. Its hard to run away from God’s call. So relax. Let’s learn from Mary the mother of Jesus. When the angel told her in the gospel of Luke 1:26-38 that she was to conceive a child without ‘knowing’ a man, of course it was a shocking experience she might have gone through. “How do I make Joseph to understand and accept this?” she might have thought. The Bible says she never rushed to tell Joseph in trying to make him understand her. She never tried to help God about it. She had absolute trust on God that, “if Joseph is my husband, you will deal with him about this” she might have prayed like that. I believe she did. So, just pray about it, then go. Make it simple.

After prayer and after expressing you intention to the person you are in love with, let God work it out in her/him. God’s purpose can be delayed but not stopped. Some people who are now happily married were first rejected when approached their partners (by then). But patience and prayer worked the purpose of God in the hearts of their partners. It the approached rejects the proposal but the approacher still feels that the person rejecting is the right person for him/her (God-given partner), then it may need him/her to retry and insist. If the second part (the approached) opens the door of his/her heart, that will be the beginning of an intimate relationship.

If still the answer obtained is NO, then the first part (the approacher) should stop and leave the matter in the hands of God by prayer. Love is not violent. You can’t force love. If she/he belongs to you, God will make her/him also get what you feel, even if not now. If otherwise, then he/she does not belong to you. You need to lift your head up again and revolve you eyes again, but prayerfully. I say ‘prayerfully’ because at this point (after rejection) it is very easy to fall in the wrong hands; very easy to make the mistake of your life. One should be very careful. It has happened to many, especially girls. Female hearts get hurt so deeply than man’s. But to both, after rejection, carefulness is highly insisted. It will be more secure and healthier to close the file for some time and get your heart healed. It takes time to tune up again correctly. Otherwise, quick decisions may cost you some other deep wound or even the rest of your life.

HOW TO TELL WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE.

1.        The person catches your attention as you very much admire her/him.

2.        The person fills your heart and mind most of the time.

3.        You always like to be with him/her and spend time together.

4.        You always want to communicate when he/she is away.

5.        You have absolute care, kindness and concern about her/his life.

6.        You easily make sacrifices, incur costs or get gifts for her/him.

7.        You have total obedience, faithfulness and respect over her/him.

8.        You have sweet loving words of kindness towards her/him.

9.        You have a desire to express love, care and concern by touch.

10.     You have Total Peace and Joy filling your heart over her/him

If these signs occupy your relationship, then what the Spirit of God spoke through Paul in 1Cor13:4-8(a) concerning love, will easily be fulfilled. That means without real and true love in you heart, you can not have the following characters of love. God who is Love and the author of Love says;

*    Love is patient                        *   Love is kind

*    Love doesn’t Envy                   *   Love is not proud

*    Love is not rude                      *   Love is not selfish

*    Love is not easily angered         *   Love doesn’t count wrongs

*    Love doesn’t rejoice with evil            *   Love always protects

*    Love always trusts                   *   Love always hopes

*    Love always perseveres

When Friendship has to end.

Sometimes we get very good friends and really enjoy the goodness of being friends in so many ways. But also it comes a time the good friendships we’ve had with some, can just not go on. It is normally a very hurting experience. There are many reasons for this. Frankly speaking, some are genuine but some are not. Notice that in life, friends come and go. When friendship seems to end, no matter what you do, just let it go. It’s for a purpose. It may be to save you from shame or trouble. It may be to go to the next level and meet new friends. The bible says, there is a time and a season for everything and to every purpose under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 1:1-8).

When you have talked and prayed about your friendship, but still it is not working, it is not fun any more as it used to be, and it is not peaceful any more no matter what you try to do, just let it go. But do you best to exit every relationship softly and gently. Never leave or exit a relationship with a ‘slam door’. Never! If you have to leave, leave every relationship as peaceful as you can. ‘Shut the door’ as gently as you can, because there are some doors in life, you might need to return to, as you pass by on your way up or down. Now, if you slammed the door, it might be very very difficult for you to obtain help or support from such a person.

FRIENDSHIP OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

There are youth/people who do not feel right or morally clean to have friends of the opposite sex or even to be to be in their company. They actually feel guilty about this! Some feel this way because they haven’t been taught about the blessing of God of having friends who should be as brothers or sisters to them. But some feel not right to have such friends because they have been taught the opposite, that it is wrong and sinful, and that it is lustful, dangerous and immoral to be a friend with the opposite sex.  When such youth find themselves in the middle of a company of opposite sex, they become totally uneasy and they really get disturbed, psychologically and spiritually. Yaani you can find them, even praying for themselves or to even to the extent of rebuking and casting away devils or evil spirits of  immorality, whom may not be there, (I have seen these people and I have talked to them, as they were seeking/finding help).

Some of these people, when they are shown normal friendly interest they think the other person wants her/him as a lover or they think the other person wants her/him for marriage!  This is a problem, especially in the church! And also in schools and families where teenagers do not mix up much.  Listen! Men/boys are not there just to be husbands to you.  Women/girls are not their just to be wives to you.  Friendship and sexuality was not made only sex, marriage and for baring children. Friendship is God’s plan and purpose for many reasons. Friendship is God’s work and design. Friendship is psychological and spiritually healthy.

Did you ask yourself why you matured at the age of 14 or 12? This is approximately 15 years before an average African marriage age. Have you ever asked yourself why these “second growth characters” (Biological changes) didn’t come on us a year before each one’s marriage. It could have been a better signal for one to start thinking of marriage.  It could really be a good help for us, not to trouble ourselves, thinking of life partners, before these signs come! But why did God have to bring these body changes which result in “attraction” between opposite sex, 15 years (approximately) before your marriage?

I once asked God that question, when those “disturbances” were hitting me, and the Holy Spirit, our teacher, helped me to understand that, physical maturity can happen quickly, (one year is enough) but mental, psychological and spiritual maturity takes time. The Holy Spirit asked me this question; “If the world needs something like 20 years to prepare good doctors, engineers, lawyers, accountants, etc, from primary school to professions, how much time does God need to prepare a good husband, wife, father or mother, spiritually and mentally?”

The future adulthood life has soo many demands and challenges.  One needs to be adequately equipped, trained and prepared to handle all such life challenges.  I believe, that’s why God had to bring the experience of friendship many years before, so that through the spiritual ministry and friendly experiences, one can be adequately prepared, with a good foundation to carry the entire load and the pressures of the adult and parental life. That’s why God invented friendship. Friendship is God’s plan, that’s what Paul is advising his “son” Pastor Timothy, on how to handle “girls” in the church. He told him, “Treat men as young brothers… and young women as sisters, with absolute purity” (1Tim 5:2).

Notice this, Paul did not say that, he should treat girls in faith as “cats and rats” but as sister, and not as enemies or ‘danger zone’. He didn’t say “separate your self from them”. But Apostle Paul was trying to say (paraphrasing) ‘Pastor Tim, your relationship with girls in the church, should be of a brother and a sister in absolute purity and holy and perfect”.  That’s God’s plan and God’s will for us. He wants to see boys and girls live in perfect godly love, with pure and honest friendship between them as a brother and sister in Christ.

Casual friends, weather same sex or opposite sex, are very helpful and good. It is a gift from God “Every good and perfect gift comes from above, from the father of lights” (James 1:17). It is for the future fathers and mothers, to know and understand the other creation of God (species) well, but also to receive the blessing of love, care, concern and attention, the same sex can not provide. A ‘clean’ brother-sister relationship, has many ‘blessings’and things which you can learn from the opposite sex, which you may/will never learn/get from the same sex friend. But absolutely speaking, there has to be a Holy Spirit balance and wisdom in between the friends, in order to experience all God’s blessings He has intended for us to receive from these opposite sex friendship.

“All scripture is God-breathed, and is good and useful for teaching and rebuking and correcting and training in uprightness, so that the people of God may be adequately prepared and equipped for every good work”  (2Tim 3:16-17.) “I praise you God, for you have created me in a very wonderful and fearful way” (Psalms 139:14.) “God saw all that He made, it was very good…” (Gen 1:31)   

PRECAUTIONS AND PRINCIPLES OF GOOD/CLOSE FRIENDSHIP OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

We as God’s children, must be very wise and careful because the devil is always roaming around, looking for a chance of :

(i)           tempting God’s children

(ii)         mis-leading  God’s children,   then

(iii)       condemning God’s children.

1Cor 2:11 says, lest satan may not take advantage on us, because we are not ignorant of his tricks. So, be very careful and watchful in your friendships. Also read  Job 2:1-2; 1Pet 5:8-9

The following principles will help you be a good friend.

1.        DON’T ASSUME THINGS

-      Avoid dwelling or living with “maybes”

-      “Don’t build castles of assumptions in the air”

-      Don’t live/remain with unanswered questions

-      Let nothing “eat you up” from the inside while you can talk. 

-      Open your heart that you may display the truth/reality

-      Be bold enough to either  (i) Ask or (ii) Explain what you feel.

2.        DON’T BUILD RELATIONSHIPS ON PHYSICAL APPEARANCE ONLY

-      You must love the way he/she looks.  But there is more than that.  GET TO KNOW THE REAL PERSON FROM THE INSIDE.

-      PRAY that God may reveal his/her true CHARACTERS, BEHAVIOURS and ATTITUDES. (1Sam 16:7)

-      Make sure, you are comfortable with the way he/she is, or

-      you see the assurance of helping him/her to develop a good character.

-      *Note: some characters NEVER change, but SOME do change.

3.        DON’T BASE YOUR FRIENDHIP ON GIFTS AND MATERIAL THINGS.

-      Don’t love because of “what he has or what she has”, but love him/her for “who he is or who she is”

-      Gifts should be given without conditions.  (Should be unconditional.)

-      Identify and distinguish “borrowings” from “gifts”

4.        AVOID STAYING ALONE TOO MUCH IN PRIVATE.

-      Efe 4:27 “Don’t give the devil a chance”

-      When if happens you are alone, its good to keep doors open.

-      When you don’t need privacy, its good to have friends around.

5.        AVOID UNCLEAN CONVERSATIONS

-      1Cor 15:33  “Bad company and unclean conversations,

     corrupt good behaviour”

-      Fil 4:8-9  “Whatever is good, pure, clean … meditate on that”

-      Actions normally start from “thoughts” . Have a clean mind.

6.        AVOID PROVACATIVE DRESSING

-      Girls, never “dress to kill”. Men are the most victims, because men are most affected by what they “see” *Math 5:27-28 *Math 6:13a

-      1Tim 2:9a “Women should dress modestly, with decency and propriety…” (Mavazi yenye kusitiri)

-      Avoid too short (Mini) skirts, transparent, chest revealing dresses, and the like.

-      Don’t “stir-up” that fire in him. Its deadly.

7.        AVOID ROMANTIC EXPRESSIONS.

-         2Tim 2:22 “Flee from the evil desires of youth (Lust) … and seek righteousness, faith, love and peace.”

-         1 Cor 6:18 “Free (run fast) from sexual immorality (or host)”..

-         Don’t just rebuke that spirit of lust and immorality, the bible says “run away fast”.  If you think you are strong, go and ask Samson; The strongest man ever lived.

-         Judges 16:19 “Delilah made (the strongest man on earth) to lay weak on her laps” (paraphrased).

-         Sexual drives are among the strongest forces on earth.  Unlike atomic and mechanical forces, sexual forces “Kill softly”

-         Don’t be too strong, avoid sexual situations and expressions.

-         Be careful to touches of lust which are not touches of love.

8.        AVOID SECRETE FRIENDSHIP  (Efe 5:8–13-17)

-         Math 5:14-16 “… Let your light shine to all people …”

-         1Pet 2:12 “Be of good conduct before all men, that when they accuse you, when they look at your good conducts, they may praise God.”

(Paraphrased)

-         If you are not confident and open about your friend “maybe” something might be wrong between you two. (Maybe!)

-         Openness helps you to get advices from people.  But be careful with what people say.  Some advices are not good and some things are not true. Share more with the Holy Spirit. Make Him your best friend. Be open to Him and hide nothing to Him. He is our counselor.

-         1 Yoh 3:21 “ If our hearts do  not condemn us, we are confident even      

     before God”

-         1 Yoh 4:18 “There is no fear in love” (Love does not fear)

9.        DO NOT PRETEND – BE YOUR SELF

-         Let your friend get to KNOW the real you.  Don’t imitate or live a “double life”

-         Let open your values, traditions, norms, culture, likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies, belief, faith, etc.

-         It will help you get corrections, and get the right person.

-         Jeffrey Brown wrote in  his book (Single and Gifted, 2001)

    “We normally get attracted to people who bring to us maximum  

      rewards of gratification/satisfaction, at minimum expense”

-         Happiness comes when you meet a person with common things in life.

-         Be yourself.. Don’t pretend.  If he/she will love you, let him/her love the real you; just the way you are.

10.     HELP EACHOTHER DEVELOP A GOOD CHARACTER

-         Correct each other’s wrongs.  Don’t hide his/her weaknesses to him/her.  Be open to what you see is not good in his/her life.

-         Be happy when you are corrected. ask for correction sometimes.

-         Pray for each other.  Help each other to grow spiritually, to know God more (2 Pet 3:18). It has faster transformations.

-   Support him for the good things and discourage him for the bad things.

   

CHARACTERS OF A GOOD/CLOSE/ INTIMATE FRIEND

1.        He/She KNOWS YOU and about you.

-      Your background history

-      Your interest and hobbies

-      Your likes and dislikes

-      Your strength and weakness

-      Your plans and desires, etc.

2.        He/She SPENDS TIME with you. (Presence)

-              He/she enjoys your company

-              He/she misses your presence, when absent.

3.        He/She COMMUNICATES, when absent.

-             No matter the cost or distance, a good friend will always keep in touch.

-              If you are fully in his/her heart, being busy is not an excuse.

4.        He/She CARES for you and your life.

-              He/she is concerned of your and your issues. 

-              He/She gives you SUPPORT and STRENGTH.

-              He/She puts you forward/first. (men, learn to put ladies first)

5.        He/She LISTENS to you – Gives you TIME TO SPEAK.

-              A good friend does not assume to know everything.

-              He/She gives you chances to explain your ideas

-              He/She doesn’t judge before hearing the truth.

6.        He/She is HONEST  - DOES NOT LIE to you

-              He/She tells you the truth, no matter the cost.

-              A good friend does not keep things under the carpet.

-              He/She is free to expose the whole truth to you.

7.        He/She is PATIENT - Knows how to WAIT.

-              Love has the ability to wait.  Love Perseveres

-              If he/she is pushing you into something before time, think twice.

-              True love knows how to wait, it has patience.

-              Because true love always wants the best for you.

8.        He/She HONOURS you and RESPECTS you

-              He/She protects you - Doesn’t embarrass you before people.

-              But he/she covers your weaknesses to keeps your status.

-              He/She doesn’t deliberately do what you don’t like. 

-              He/She avoid to annoy you or to make you angry.

-              He/She does not encourage or lead you to do wrong things

9.        He/She CORRECTS your wrongs.

-              A good friend will get hurt and disturbed about your mistakes.

-              He/She doesn’t hide your weaknesses to you.

-              He/She is open and direct about your wrongs.

10.     He/She is FAITHFUL and OBEDIENT to you.

-              He values your principles and your rules.

-              He keeps your secrets and protects or defends you.

-              He is faithful and obedient to what you decide.

11.     He/She GIVES you and SHARES with you good things.

-              “You can give without love, but you can not love without giving”.

Eg. Time, things, gifts and even advice.

-              He enjoys in helping and supporting you.

12.     He/She TELLS you that He/she loves you

-              “I LOVE U” is a common phrase and he/she means it with weight.

              TYPES OF LOVE AND SIGNS OF LOVE

TYPES OF LOVE

1.  Agape – Godly Love 

      -Unconditional  Love

v    Yoh: 3:16

v    Rom 1:28-32

v    Rom 5:8

2.  Phileo – Friendship Love

- Conditional Love

v    Joh 14:21,23

v    Prov 8:17

v    1 Sam 18:1-4

3.  Eros – Romantic Love

(Physical/Sexually Attraction)

v    Accl 9:8-9

v    Efe 5:25

v    Songs 7:1-9

v    Songs 4:1-7

4.  Storge – Family Love

v    Luk 15:17 – 24 (1-32)

v    Exo 2:11-12

SIGNS OF TRUE LOVE

(PHILEO & EROS)

1.           Attraction of His/Her personality (Physical and Character)

2.           He/She fills your heart and Mind

3.           Desire of always spending time together

4.           Gifts and Sacrifice (Willingness)

5.           Obedience, Faithfulness and Respect

6.           Peace and Joy in heart

7.           Touches of Love (Not of Lust)

If these signs occupy your relationship,

Then 1 Cor 13 : 4-8(a) will be fulfilled

*                     Love is patient

*                     Love is kind

*                     Love doesn’t Envy

*                     Love is not proud

*                     Love is not rude

*                     Love is not selfish

*                     Love is not easily angered

*                     Love doesn’t count wrongs

*                     Love doesn’t rejoice with evil

*                     Love always protects

*                     Love always trusts

*                     Love always hopes

*                     Love always perseveres

HOW TO FIND A GOOD MARRIAGE PARTNER

*   Proverbs 19:14, 21

1.        Define your heart’s Desires.     *Fil 4:6-7

Make sure you really know what kind of person you really need and what kind of things you just want in the person. *Read Math 7:7-11 and notice that, the choice (desire/need/want) of bread in this passage, was not the choice (need/want) of the Father but it was the desire and choice of the child.  So, make sure you define your heart’s desires. The Holy Spirit knows you more than how you know yourself, ask Him to help you. You don’t know how you heart may change in a year on five or ten years to come. But He knows you, and if you’ll give Him the chance to counsel you, He will help you to make a good choice for yourself.

·                    Fil 4:6-7 ;   Psa 37:4 ;   Psa 145:17-19 ;   1Cor 7:39

2.        Pray/Ask God – For Revelation.

God is our Father and Provider. He knows the best for us and he has the best for us. Don’t trust on your own understanding. Ask God to lead you and bring to you the right person for you. Don’t be troubled or anxious for finding the person. Pray sincerely to God. He is waiting for your request. God is more than our  earthly fathers who are inners but still care about the desires of their children. If they can be such generous and caring,  how much more can our heavenly Father be? I’m telling you, God cares more, for the things that make us happy.

If you didn’t know, now know that, God delights and He enjoys giving His children their heart’s desires. Remember, that is not God’s wife or husband, but yours. God doesn’t need one. So, open your heart to Him. It is you who is to enjoy the gift of marriage. And never let people choose for you. Its not them who’ll spend the rest of their lives with him/her. Its you! Its your marriage, not you parents’ or your pastor’s or your friends’. He/She is yours! Make a good definition of your heart’s desire.

·                    Fil 4: 6-7 ;  Math7:7-11 ;  Efe:15-19 ;   Psa 32:8

3.        Make friends.  Get to know more people.     *John 11:5

Some people do pray earnestly for God to bring the right partner for them, but they make the mistake of shutting themselves in their own islands, where it’s very hard to find them of even to know that they exist. God Himself is the author of friendship. That is to say friendship among youth can be practiced with absolute holiness and purity.

At the maturity age, God developed in us the attractions and the desire to have friends of the same and opposite sex. Jesus himself had friends and even friends of the opposite sex. John 11:5 says Jesus loved Martha, Mary and Lazarus. They were His friends. One of the purposes of God over friendship is for us to get to know other people and for them to get to know us.

Not every one of us will hear a God’s voice, like Joseph saying “Do not fear to take Mary to be your wife”. He will do that under very necessary circumstances like Joseph’s.  But under normal circumstances God will lead you, to make a good life time choice of your marriage partner, among the people we know, yaani your friends. Therefore, learn to make good friends.

Friends can be found in various places like in school, in sport grounds, in your neighborhood, etc. But good friends are not anywhere. Good friends are found in good places like; Church gatherings, Christian fellowships, in the Service of God, Youth Conferences,  and from others good friends who can introduce you to other good Christian friends. Please PRAY my dear, that God may lead you in making good friends.

Apostle Paul told young Pastor Timothy to “Treat men as young brothers… and young women as sisters, with absolute (holiness and) purity”. 1Tim 5:1-2. King David says “how can a young man keep his ways (of life) pure? (Its) by obeying and following GOD’S WORD … I have kept your word in my heart, that I may not sin against thee” (Psa 119: 11,9)

4.   Confirm in your heart that you love him/her.    *Eccl 9:8-9a

As you continue in a faithful Christian life, of prayer, patience, waiting and dependence on God, In His right time God will cause circumstances which will give you the understanding in your heart on your love to someone. This is extremely crucial  and needs high spiritual sensitivity. Marriage is a life time decision. It’s the second most important decision in life. In God’s time love from God will start overflowing towards her/him. Make sure you develop real love over the person. That love will fill your heart. Make sure you are in love. I mean, Confirm in your heart that you love him/her.  Because God can not give you a person you don’t love.

Mk 5:25 – (30) – 34; It will happen to you just as it happened to Christ. Among the many people and friends who will touch your life in one way or another, there will be the one person, who will touch (not your body) but your heart, in a very different way. The peace of God in your heart will lead you to make the right decision. His love should touch and fill your heart with assurance, beyond droughts.

5.  Ask Advice from people who know you and her/him.  *Prov 15:22.

Advices from wise people who know what kind of a person are you, is very important. It will go well if those people also know the other person. Sometimes the people aside are able to look at us and see things we normally don’t see. Sometimes they know things we don’t know, things we have failed to sense/hear the Spirit of God warning us. Advisors can be used by God to help us make decisions. Notice what I said, “they can only help you make decisions”. Meaning, the final decision is yours and not theirs. Let them just help and not dictate or finalize ‘your’ decisions.

6.  Approach her wisely.   *Song 3:1-4

After some time of prayer, let the Lord lead you to tell her what is in your heart and mind. Be bold and open. Make it simple and straight. If you are ‘best friends’ already, it will be even easier, because girls normally sense earlier the moves boys make. Boys, be wise as you “sing” this love song to your chosen girl. Make it easier for her to join the “chorus” happily. Love is more beautiful if it develops to both of you, and not just one side. So make a wise approach to enable her make her own decision also.  Don’t make it too spiritual (for the fear of being rejected maybe) such as; “the Lord showed me, you are my wife” or “Thou says the Lord Almighty, that you are the mother of my children”.  This shows, she is not your choice, but the Lord’s. In other words; The Lord didn’t help you to choose, but He forced you to her. This is just not right.

Boys, your approach should give her the sense that by the Lord’s help ‘you have made her your choice’ because you love her. Make her know that  you love her! And you are not forced to love her. Let her know that she is your choice. So, your sentence should give her the opportunity to make her own choice. And even if the Lord gave you signs about her, don’t use them at first. Just be wise by simply saying something neutral to her, she may love you by her own consent and you may prove the Lord. Say something like this; “I’ve been praying about this issue and I feel in my heart to love you and I wish to marry you or spend the rest of my life with you. So, If this finds favour also in your heart also, please will you marry me?” You may also ask her to take some time to pray and confirm it, if she will get the same love in her heart for you as you have for her.

Now, if the sings/vision/voice you have been getting about her are from the, she will also develop the same love in her too. That will be a better way to confirm that the Lord spoke to you. You don’t have to bind her so tight with words like “Thou says the Lord of Hosts…you are the mother of my children” such approaches robes the right for girls to make their decisions, because it’s hard to reject “the Lord’s order”. So, in order to prove that God has helped you to make a good choice, the choice you have loved and appreciated, make a wise and neutral approach. You don’t have to

help God! Remember: when Mary the mother of Jesus received the Lord’s message, she didn’t rush fast to tell Joseph so that he may not change his mind about her. And the bible says, when Joseph came to know that she was pregnant, he made his mind to break their courtship. Think of it, Mary could feel the danger of been dumped. But she remained silent, knowing that it is not her business because she didn’t start it, but God did. And the one, who gave her the message, is faithful to deliver it to Joseph too.

In such a situation, I believe Mary didn’t just sleep and wait God to intervene Joseph’s mind and decision, I believe with all of my heart that Mary prayed! Having the fear of being dumped and loosing the opportunity of being a wife to someone, think of how she was praying. Mary Prayed bwana! Picture the tears in her sleepless nights and the agony in her travailing prayers of wanting God to intervene her situation. I believe It was prayer that caused Joseph to receive the Lord’s will as Mary did. It was prayer and not “those binding terrifying words” ‘wapendwa’ normally use, that brought Joseph to her life.

So brothers, be wise as you speak to the sister of your choice. May the wisdom of God help you to ‘sing’ wisely, giving her the opportunity to make her decision about your request. It will be better even for you to know that, your wife was not forced to obey God, but she came to you because she got the true love from God in her heart for you as you had for her.

A point to consider also in this section is to make sure: you make the moment special.It’s a very special moment where a new destiny is to be born. Choose a good place and a good time for the occasion. Maybe your home, a friends home, good restaurant, café, garden, a church, elder’s home, pastors home, an attractive visiting site, etc. don’t do it while rushing for a bus or washing clothes. Make it special moment!

7.    Officialise your relationship.        *   Songs 3:4

“… I found him, whom my soul loves: I held him, and would not let him go, until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her that conceived me” Songs 3:4

 After your proposal has been accepted (if it has been), it is good and formal to make your relationship official. This is a process of introducing the matter to key people in you life, commonly; your parents/guardians and relatives, Your Pastor and Church Elders, spiritual mentors, best friends and the like. It brings honour to your relationship especially when they see you together in town.

Formal relationships give honour and respect in the society. If your partner is serious about your relationship, he/she won’t hesitate about making your issue known to the appropriate people. Both of you need to pray about this to know the right time for you to officialise your relationship. There is always a suitable time to do anything. Some people get a lot of difficulties in finding acceptance to the parents and even to the churches of the opposite friend. There are many reasons for this, which I cant discuss now, but the most important thing is Prayer. God will direct you, the right way and will open or close doors before you as He wills. Just trust Him. He is God!

4.   EMPTY LOVE

-      Just interaction. No Attraction.

-      Eg. Shopkeeper, classmate, Bank teller, Passenger, charcoal seller, milk man, etc.

-      Just casual talks, with a normal person.

-      Just a peer friend/Casual friend.

-      Enjoying the presence company and closeness of each other, because you love.

-      It developes as you get to know each other more.

-      Make u stay more than how u planned to stay.

-   Physical drive/attraction.

     Its awaken by “seeing”

-      It catches fire by touching, hugging, kissing, romance, sex, etc.

-      It dies in a matter of time.

-      Watch out

-      The fire of love and intimacy is gone.

-       There is neither passion, nor attraction.

-      All what remains is commitment.

-      It fills only the head and not the heart.

8.   COMPLETE LOVE

-      Has all the fire of love. 

-      There is intimancy and passion.

-      But he/she is not there to stay.

-      There is no commitment.

-      Be careful!

-      It rushes to commitment due to passion and attraction.

-      Call it “Hollywood–love”. They meet today they marry next week/month.

-      It doesn’t last long. They divorce the following month.

-   It has no time to grow and get to know each    

    other

-      Is what remains as passion withers.

-      A good example is married couples of long time (old)

-      The five is gone, but the enjoy their company, and still committed.

-      It if full of lutimancy, Passion and commitment.

-   All three (3) are balanced.

-      Makes someone feel complete, and satisfied.